I awoke early, nervous, and tired. After a long night of anxiety, I would have preferred to just stay all warm and cuddled up in my cozy kitty print bedding, never waking up, sleeping this life away, but reality had crept itself into my dreams. In an attempt to escape one nightmare, I had awoken into another.
Questing for light, I fumble with the switch, nothing happened. So I pulled back my thick layer of black curtains and squinted out my bedroom window. My eyes were unaccustomed to natural light even on a cloudy day such as this, as I had adopted the schedule of a vampire. Our german shepherd named Truant (for his ability to escape!) was chasing birds feeding on the breadcrumbs my mother had scattered around the backyard.
Leaving my curtains pulled, I turn around refocusing my attention into the room. Clean for the most part, living with the mentality that if I did commit suicide, someone would have to “cleanup”.
My downward spiral from last night was reflected in the music (on cd and vinyl) laying about. From my attempt at happiness Bjork an Fleetwood; to my anger Nails an Kitty: finally the slit my wrist betty pile Skinny Puppy an Crannberries. Oh,and look! I must have had an issue with my own reflection, both the mirror and light are broken.
After a quick sweep, a new bulb, and long shower, i felt a little bit up to getting on with the day. What to wear? Reliable gothic black, hippie fun color, perhaps a nice dress? After all I did have a wedding to attend! All my “friends” will be there, if there was a time to dress to impress, this was it. Hours later, with intention of not subtracting from the bride, I had finally decided on an outfit. I had done my makeup in browns and pinks. wearing my hair down. In a gray skirt, a blue Chanel sweater (I had accidently washed,becoming more of a knit) over a gray top,and black boots. I felt good about myself, which is rare. Chic without going over the top.
Still my nerves were on edge, for although I had finally found the strength to be the real me “fulltime”, not everyone had yet met the real me. Living in “part time” limbo, I had already felt the disdain and nonacceptance from the majority of my “friends”. Jerry, the one getting hitched, an who invited me, absolutely knew everything. In time I would come to learn, that I was the subject of a term paper he was doing for school. We had just talked about me coming to the wedding last night, so things should go smoothly…
Placing my gift of a hundred dollars in my purse, I called my friend T.J. to tell him I was ready, and my friend Rachel giving her a heads up that we would be there shortly to pick her up. Not bothering to ask my family how I look, aware of the futility of it. I walked out front and sat down on our swinging bench debating on not going. The sun starts to peek out from behind the clouds, as my cat Omen came up and lovingly brushed up against me before scampering up a tree. Giving me a much needed squelch on my cowardice, TJ pulls up in his black 94 Camarro, no turning back now.
“You look nice!”, he says as I open the passenger door.
“Thanks.” I shyly reply. No one knows the importance of an honest compliment like those of us born under ingendered conditions.
We drive over to pick up Rachel, which is basically in the same subdivision where we all grew up. About to knock on her door, she opens it up.
“Hey, girl!”, she greets me with a hug.
“Let me”, I say taking hold of her gift, wrapped in a huge box. Too light to be an appliance, or is it? I wonder.
Still needing a walker , a year after the accident, it takes a minute to get her down the driveway. Seeing this our driver attempts to readjust the vehicle. Pulling in as close as he can, crooked, due to her family’s hazardously parked SUVs. Opening the door for her, I get in the back.
“I’ve got butterflies in my stomach.” I mention as we are on our way.
“Don’t worry about it, everything will be cool. Jerry invited you himself, didn’t he?” TJ replies.
“They’re our friends, if they’re cool with me, they’ll be cool with you!” Rachel chimes in.
“We’ll see, your right..” I answer.
We pull into the country club, following a short winding road shaded with trees. We come upon a nest of differently colored mechanical beasts that are either idling or taking a well deserved nap. Their parasites seem to be leaving their hosts and congregating at the start of the steps leading into the main building. My butterflies start acting up again. Seeing all the other girls wearing awesome dresses, Makes me wish I’d worn my nice black one instead.
“well,here we are.” ,says TJ as we park.
“I’m nervous as hell, go ahead and walk Rachel up, I’m going to smoke another cigarette.” I said.
“Quit being silly, it’ll be fine, I’ll see you inside.” she said.
The smoke actually made me more nauseous, putting it out in the ashtray, I pull down the visor mirror checking my makeup one last time. Shutting the door, I quickly step to catch up with my friends. The heels of my boots making that awesome clippity cloppity sound similar to that of a shoed pony. Never before or since have I ever felt more like prey. Studieng my surroundings, an older couple on my left, one of the briadsmaids wearing a stunning teal dress talking with more people I don’t know on the right. Not a single person looking at me odd, but as I catch up approaching the guest list, Brian (who is cousin to Carl, one of the “best” men) comes walking up.
“I’m sorry, but I’ve been told not to let you in.”, he says quite smugly.
“On whos authority?”, I ask.
“I want to hear it from his mouth, I’m not leaving till he comes and says it to my face.” I blurt.
“I.m sorry but I have to go, they’re expecting me.” Rachel says as I hand of her gift to the gatekeeper.
“So what do you want to do?”, asks TJ.
“I want you all to leave with me.” I reply.
Returning with backup (none of which I recognize offhand) Brian tells me,” Jerrys not coming out, hes getting ready for his big day.”
“Fine, let him have his day, last day I’ll ever see any of you again.”, I timidly reply.
“I’m going to walk Rachel in, make an appearance, and I’ll be back to take you wherever you want to go.15-20 mins tops.”, promises TJ.
“I’ll be in the car.” I say wandering off. I light a cigarette, shaking so hard that I drop my lighter. Not picking it up I start to walk the retaining wall, out to the roof of what i assume to be a maintenance building. Sitting on the edge chain smoking, I start to cry.
“Are you alright?” asks the groundskeeper, startling me by opening the door below.
“No.” I say.
“Your not going to jump are you?”, he inquires.
“No, it’s not even high enough to do anything but maybe break my arm.” i respond weakly.
“Ok,then.” he says reluctantly before going about his business.
The whole back of the building being glass, overlooking the green, I can see a few hundred people going about the business of putting on a wedding. Hate starts to grow deep in my core, replacing my sadness. My fingers clenching so hard that my nails dig dig into my palms, and new tasting tears start to flow. Seeing what is now my only friend out of this group of “strangers” come walking back out, I try to compose myself. Sure that my ruined makeup belies my feelings anyway.
“You ok?” TJ asks with honest concern.
“Nope, I’m about to make a seen.” I growl.
“Lets just get the hell out of here, not today, there’s plenty of time for that later. Be the better man, or woman, you know what I mean. C’mon, lets just go.” he says trying to pacify.
“Fine fuck them all, but I still think they should hear that!” my voice cracking.
“Tomorrow.”, he says.
We get in the car, holding my middle finger up against the window, I don’t even look to see if anyone notices as we leave.
“It feels just like Michelle’s funeral.”, referring to the death of my girlfriend and the same treatment I was given then.
“That’s fucked up! I’m starting to get pissed. Hes supposed to be your friend, friends don’t do that! I’ll never pull some shit like that if I ever get married. After you spent time to look nice, I know it you girls a while to get ready…”, his voice trails off.
Lost in my own thoughts , shutting down, no longer accepting input from the outside world. After a blurry stop at the liquor store, the next few months are a blank. You can’t kill yourself with alcohol.
Sure I had left a few hate filled messages on his voicemail, after the fact. Tomorrow never came and I’ve never heard so much as an apology. From anyone. A few have actually tried to justify his actions. The experience becoming just another in a long line of mistreatment, leaving me unable to fully function properly amongst society to this day. All I can do is take it as a lesson in the worthlessness of human beings. Never again will I hold back a well deserved FUCK YOU.